Me-OW! and the Exception: Part 1

Every Spring, the Indian Student Alliance (ISA) at the University of Iowa hosts an intercollegiate dance competition called Nachte Raho, or "Keep On Dancing." Invitations to participate are sent to South Asian dance organizations, and in 2005, the dance company I was a member of  received one. We were ecstatic. About half a dozen of us dancers piled into a minivan, and off we went to Iowa City to flaunt our fabulous Bollywood moves.

We had a GREAT time. I remember that the weather cooperated during the drive, and Iowa's campus was beautiful. I remember that the ISA executive board couldn't have been nicer, and our hotel room was lovely. I remember that we looked smashing in our costumes, and we placed second - not too shabby for our first competition.

Nearly a decade later, though, what I remember most is getting ready for the show. There was a flurry of activity in the room - pinning our dresses, spraying our hair stiff, lining our lips with gloss. As I put on my costume, I commented aloud on how my blouse wouldn't lie quite the way it was supposed to. One of the girls, who I never got along with, turned to me and replied, "Oh, that always happens to me when I put on a lot of weight."

Whoa dang.

It had been a particularly busy semester. I was taking more credit hours than usual, along with a nightly MCAT prep class. There were dance rehearsals, a part time job, a research assistantship, and lots of volunteering. I slept occasionally. I barely socialized. With such a crazy demanding schedule, I coped the best I could: I ate many, many Chewy Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip cookies.

And then I gained 10 pounds.

I don't buy those cookies anymore.

So there I was, half dressed and stressed, and this heinous (fill in insulting noun of your choice) has pointed out my plump in front of everyone. Two thoughts run through my mind: one, I wish I had a cookie to throw at her, and two, what's with the cattiness?

Cattiness is a deliberate yet subtle intent to inflict harm. It is malicious - but not obvious. Actually, I take that back. It's not obvious to guys. But girls? Girls know cattiness. We know when we see it. And unfortunately, we're also pretty good at dishing it out.

Here's the thing. Being a girl is AWESOME. We can give birth, we have lower insurance rates, and we usually smell better than guys. But being a girl can be hard. We feel pressure to "have it all", we make less money than guys, and the weather impedes us from wearing our favorite shoes. We know it's hard. So here is my question: if we know that it's already so hard, why do we make it even harder by being catty?

I had always assumed that it was me - that is, when someone was catty, it was something I had said or done. But after going to graduate school, I realized that most people are fairly consumed with their own lives and really don't have the mental space to scrutinize others the way we scrutinize ourselves. People's actions rarely have anything to do with me and nearly everything to do with them.

If we approach a catty girl from that perspective, we start to see that she REEKS of insecurity. For whatever reason, she doesn't feel so hot about herself and wants to feel better. So she empowers herself by putting someone else down. I get it. I'm a therapist. I am all about people owning their inherent awesomeness. But I take serious issue with building self esteem when it happens at someone else's expense. Because it is mean. It is selfish. It gives you bad karma. And you know what else?

It doesn't work.

Not for long, at least. The catty girl will always have to put someone else down in order to feel good about herself. And that, my friends, is a truly unfortunate way to live. Now when I consider the catty girl and her comments, I don't feel hurt or mad anymore. On the outside, I laugh it off. On the inside, I wonder how it must be for the catty girl. How exhausting and painful it must be to dislike one's self so. darn. much.

You may be wondering what happened to the girl that called me out. Her friends had told me that she had gotten "real fat" after graduation - their words, not mine. Honestly, with friends like that, who needs enemies? A few years later, we ended up running into one other at a wedding, and I eventually approached her. I had been eating healthier and dancing more, and I loved the dress I had worn. I felt good about how I looked that day. I felt confident about myself and the direction my life was going.

I told her it was good to see her and how nice she looked.

And then I walked away with my head held high.

Because, you see, my dad and mom raised me to be a lady. I'm all class.

Well. And a little sass.

Much love,

Kavi